Abstract

I wrote this note over a year ago....


Its common knowledge dat derz nothing more incriminating than words written with pen on paper. You almost can't dent it. 
Like shit! Derz even professionals who check on who actually wrote what. Y den should I write wen I can't claim 2 hav been misquoted?
U can deny saying something- depending on ur moral barometer- but derz no going back on whatchu wrote. Ever!
Derz no going back on whatchu wrote....and I've been like bearing this in mind.


So, over d years, I've written less and come out of my shell 2 say more. To write, u usually have 2 think. Not writing logically sums to not thinking or just rili, less thinking. Less thoughts is d brainchild of less power of imagination. No imagination, no creativity & u almost can't write with that. So d circle goes, or so it went... No, d circle rili just goes. Not just for me, but for everybody. 


I'd love to write; to write you, to write me, to write any and everybody. Unfortunately though, I'm scared. And I think its obvious why.....I'm mega scared. My feelings, expressed on paper, they're too mine to be yours, to be known, to be seen! I don't trust enuf...and dat goes for me, you and everybody. I don't trust us all. 


So what? Dat I don't trust doesn't mean I won't live a seemingly trusting life. I don't hide stuff or gossip and I pass perfectly innocent compliments. I try 2 be honest, honorable and never tell a lie or deceive my fellowman. I pride myself in being a realist so I don't expect myself to be perfect. But when I did something shitty, I didn’t approve of it or kid myself, and usually I did stop doing the same kind of shitty thing again. ButI was often disappointed in myself since there was such a great variety of shifty things a person can do, and so I was always caught by surprise. And then if truth were told, I was always in competition with other men. And therefore, I wanted to be a better man, a better person. It gave me a satisfaction not to be greedy about money when other men abased themselves for it. To disdain glory, to be honest with women, to be an innocent by choice. It gave me pleasure not to be suspicious of the motives of others and to trust them in almost anything. 


In short, I would rather be cheated than to cheat someone; I would rather be deceived than be a deceiver; I gladly accepted being hustled as long as I did not become a hustler. I would rather be faked out than be a fake-out artist. I'm like, if I think well of myself, does it matter what any1 thinks of me? Yet, in a funny way, dis is d lowest kinda cunning. I've so conned myself-justifying any kind of prejudice or injustice. But what d hell? Diz d path I've chosen, 2 be an X in an indeterminate equation. I rili can't be found- not by d mathematicians, philosophers or even d oh so knowledgable astrologers. I rili do think those guyz just studied and gazed at the starts coz they had no TVs 2 stare @. They were rili just bored people. I understand their plight dou. Like what would I do if I had no Tv or Fb??? Maybe I'd have written? Still no! 


So I'm thankful for everything I have- material, immaterial and intellectual. I'm thankful for every1 I know- Though I doubt we rili know each other. I'm grateful for those I knew coz I know in some way, they'd done made me better. Me plus dem has actually equalled better math. So maybe its not I, maybe I'm not me. Maybe I'm just you, them, everyone. 
No, not everyone. 
Yes, just a piece of every1...or maybe not. Whatever! I'll stick 2 being an X! 


Dat X! is d rock on which I stand!