Nothing to do...

I was going to write the sequel to Betrothed but there's really been no time. Besides that, my betrothed girlfriend has refused to help me out- understandably shey? Maybe I'll write it a little later.

Its 9:32pm and I've been off the internet for just about 24 hrs now. I feel completely alienated though. I'm super duper bored. Derz absolutely nothing to do.

Or, ok, derz nothing I really want to do. Okay, I want 2 browse but those bastard Visafone pple will gladly disconnect me once its like 12:30. Their own 24 hrs ends at 12:30. If u like load ur credit at 12:25….you'll even be shocked. But I miss Agusha and twitter and just knowing what's going on outside this school.

Derz rili nothing to do! I'm already tired of that FM 2011. The life of a Chelsea manager is rather easy O! Provided ur players are fit and there's money to spend. If not? Omoh, na die be that o! Sunderland go dey like come ur house every weekend.

Then FIFA 11 - Hiss. I'm Chelsea manager there too… I'm actually angry at Chelsea and everything Chelsea. I had to wash my Champions 10 jersey yesterday even though it wasn't dirty. Maybe our fortunes will start changing. I'm superstitious like that. Ahan! How will Sunderland come and plunder our land like that? Ah! Those people that collected 7 earlier this year. Smh. Its not their fault. Na Ancelotti wey put Paolo Ferreira for Centre Back cause all this wahala. I know Terry's injury was rather abrupt but ahan…. We've been bragging about Jeffery Bruma nao! That Calamity Ferriera that caused Portugal to lose the European Championships to Greece. That same Ferreira that helped Barca start their resurgence in that epic 4-2 match under Mourinho. That calamitous Ferriera that couldn't even put off a bad Diouf in that random 1-1 draw with Blackburn last season. Ode oshi. Forget that he's a two time European Champion O! That one na for im pocket. Belleti sef na European Champion.

Thaz enough about Chelsea. Only that I've been thinking of the right time to wear my new jersey. You see, there are many Chelsea fans in CU o! The blue jersey is like Pure water here…e plenty yanfu yanfu. The Black and Orange too. So me in all my humility went to get the Green and Blue jersey. Guess what name I chose to print? Its definitely not Ferreira or Ramires.. That hungry bricklayer…hiss.. Ehen, I went to write my twitter handle there O! Hmm…Mr twitter himself. "@AROGZZ." The problem is that Chelsea in all her infinite foolishness is now losing matches at will. I was embarrassed on Sunday O! Hmm. I can't go and wear jersey- they'll now shi us for nothing. That one no dey o!

Oya, no more Chelsea, seriously. There's nothing to do. I watched two episodes of Family Guy earlier this evening. I'm not watching again - at least not this evening. Imagine, they were forming "To be continued" after Stewie killed his momsy. My laptop no be Africa Magic o! Which one is all these nollywood tricks they want to start playing? Hiss.

What else? Derz no food. Obehi just entered with White rice and egg…Hiss… after I hailed him thinking it was Pepper rice. Broke ass oshi. I'm not even that hungry sef. Even if I was hungry, there's no water to make cereal (defined as including but not limited to Osita's very fine textured Garri, Golden Morn and Cornflakes). Okay, I'm really not hungry.

What shall I do jor? I think I have Aunty Risi's assignment o! I'll do it next Monday jor! Derz no mid-semester on Monday.

I just mentioned Mid-Semester bah? Ehen? As there's now mid-semester nko? Omoh, make e kak jor. I don't feel like reading. I have to pass sha. I'll read later.

Which other assignment? I think derz none. Only Rudrappan tomorrow. Rudrappan is my Indian lecturer O! Hmmm.. We actually really do "all stand greet" when he enters the class. And we have pre-assigned seats. Me, I'm happy sha, my seat is on the last row. I can IM with Osita's i-touch during the class and Laju is my seat mate. Laju is on a first class o! Bad sharp guy like this. My guy doesn't dull during tests. Sure boy.

Yes! Project! Leme even ask Osita where he said he saw it the other day. Since Alege has refused to do anything progressive with the thing but correct my paragraphing, I've dumped the thing o! The man never even disturbs us sef. Though I know it won't take me too much to do the corrections and start my Chapter 2, it seems like a very very long thing o!

I know derz a day of reckoning sha. I have to get to work again… sigh… Bye guys, #projectstatofmind.

Betrothed.

Time they say heals all wounds - only that it really doesn't. Amin, I remember when a friend of mine got expelled. CU can be a bastard o! Joey had got into an altercation with this guy and in his expulsion letter, he was charged with cultism, homosexualism, gangstarism and some other insane things. I was distraught! I wanted to pick up my pen and writing pad and scribble down how I felt at that point in time - I just never got to doing it. Joey was leaving school the next day. There were goodbyes to be said, tears to be shed and there was some packing to do. So out of respect, I went with Joey when he said his goodbyes and I consoled his friends with him. His friends helped him with his packing.
The next day Joey left school before 7 am. Oyin and Japari stood near Esther hall both crying under an umbrella as the rain poured. How would they live without the one guy who brought light to their worlds? I barely even witnessed the whole thing. I was in criss-cross slippers and my sleep wear when he left. It was a really sad scene.

But as they say, life goes on. But anguish is not important enough to last. A few hours later, I was jumping exeat with a couple of my guys and a few more hours later, I was in the safety and comfort of my house. In the fresh air I knew that I was alive. That I would dine well the next day, that in time I would have a loving woman again, that I would write a story and walk along the beach. Only those we most love can cause our death, and only of them we must beware. Our enemies can never harm us. Virtue is its own reward. Yes, its true I'm in class…but mehn, I have to put down my feelings right now.

So here I am not letting time do anything to the fresh wound. I'm airing it literally and in reality. You see, one of my friends told me she just got a boyfriend. Like I'm supposed to be happy for her yeah? Well, I'm not!!! Sue me! Its not like I had the hots for her or anything like that. I really didn't even want her for myself. Yeah, she's pretty, pretty hot even…. I even say she's slutty hot! But there was no way I was even ever going to attempt to change her relationship status. I just liked the fact that she was single. There was nothing sexual about it. It wasn't based on attraction…. It was plain simple…She was single. She was almost always there when I needed random but warm hug; a seatmate in class; someone to walk to the hostel with… It was that simple. Now, its never going to be the same again.

Again, I ask you not to get me wrong. This is nothing about the potential love I could I have found. It is about the complete and irrecoverable love that I have surely lost. And you know what makes it most painful? They're both my friends. Imagine me losing this love from two people…Amin, I have only so many friends. They have effectively killed me. Some of you might think I should get over myself and find me a babe for myself…but then you miss the point! I'd be doing the same thing she just did. I'd be betraying someone…. I'd be betraying some people. In this case, Its nothing personal. They didn't intend to hurt me. The problem is everything is personal. Every bit of business is personal. Accidents don't happen to people that take them personal. I know a guy who takes everything personal. If lightening struck a friend, he took it personal. If some random guy walking by stepped on his shoes, he took it personal. That was what made him great.

You may think of me as being selfish, self centered, self serving - and every other compound word that has "self" in it. These people don't know that falling in love is really just cornball. Love is like the little red toy wagon you get for Christmas or your sixth birthday. It makes you deliriously happy and you just can't leave it alone. But sooner or later the wheels come off. Then you leave it in a corner and forget it. Falling in love is great. Being in love is a disaster. But I really do wish them the best….but I still am sad.

You know one day, I read someone's blog post on the movie- 500 days of summer- and I went on and downloaded and watched the movie and I understood a new dimension to how relationships sometimes work. Sometimes we're not just the right person for the person we think is right for us. It's as simple as that.

I never imagined that there would be anyone just right for my friend. #shrug. And I loved it that way. And the movie helped me understand why relationships work - and sometimes don't work so well. This afternoon though, it was of no help whatsoever. As we sat there together in class and told me, I felt the sudden urge to withdraw from her. It wasn't a deliberate act of punishment and I think that she understood, I just couldn't bare to be there. Maybe she didn't notice but my body seemed to shrivel up, my face gaunt with tension as if I had suffered some frightful blow, and though I looked her directly in the eyes without any attempt of apology or excuses, without any attempt to reassure her for my ego, I left her side. And I couldn't bear to be with her, at that moment, I wanted her out of my sight. A few minutes later though, I was iyte…. Better…

I know we're definitely going to be friends again - I'd even get her a double layered chocolate marshmallows pudding(as one babe put it last week) cake with "CONGRATULATIONS" boldly written on it. Derz really no hard feelings. For now though, she's suspended from my life. She cannot follow me on twitter, I'm going permanently invisible on her YIM and probably wouldn't be talking to her till the end of the week. Thank God she didn't lie to me or post me - That'll have been end. She would have lost forever, all the love I had for her but only discovered 90 mins ago. She's a dear bud and that's all I ever want her to be.
 
Thankfully, word on the street is that Joey is coming for his babe's birthday on Thursday. She's no longer crying in the rain. This time, they'll be hugging and kissing when its time to say goodbye. Don't be deceived however, time hasn't healed anybody's wounds. The scars are too visible to say they've healed. I still remember how I felt when I heard the sad news. But this week, only he can make me happy- as she has made me sad. 

The loves of my life - Her.

Sequel to my earlier post, http://arogzz.blogspot.com/2010/10/loves-of-my-life-me.html here's what I feel their(the several hers) impressions of our relationships have been. And ya, I know I wrote loves of my life and used "her" instead of "them". Abeg, all na pronoun. Like the first post, this is about more than just one babe. Its about at least 4 or 5 this time…. Read and enjoy.

We'd just fought over gender inequality and women liberation and coz she thought I was a tad chauvinistic, I told her straight up my problem with babes orientation these days. I said. "You know what? you're not realistic. You want me to adore you, to be really in love with you, to treat you like a virginal queen. As they did in the old days. But you reject those values that surrendering love is built on. And You want us to love you like the Holy Grail, but you want to live like a liberated woman. You won't accept that if your values change, so must mine. I can't love you as you want me to. As I used to."
We'd been continually fighting for several weeks now and I'd been trying hard to get the words out of her mouth…this time, the magic worked. And she started off.

HER.

"All my life the men I really loved always put me down, and they put me down for what they said they loved in me. But they never accepted the fact I could be interested in other human beings, not just them. That's what screws everything up. They fall in love with me at first and then they want me to become something else.

He was the best man I ever met and I really loved him and he really loved me. And he tried as hard as he could. And I tried as hard as I could. But we could never beat that masculine thing. If I even liked another man, he got sick. I could see that sick look on his face. Sure, I couldn't stand it if he even got into an interesting conversation with another woman. So what? But he was smarter than I was. He covered up. When I was around, he never paid any attention to other women even though they did to him. I wasn't that smart or maybe I felt it was too phony. And what he did was phony. But it worked. It made me love him more. And my being honest made him love me less.
 
I loved him because he was so smart in almost everything. Except women. He was really dumb about women. And he was dumb about me. Maybe not dumb, just that he could live only with illusions. He said that to me once and he said that I should be a better actress, that I should give him a better illusion that I loved him. I really loved him, but he said that wasn't as important as the illusion that I loved him. And I understood that and I tried. But the more I loved him the less I could do it. I wanted him to love the true me. Maybe nobody can love the true me or the true you or the true it. That's the truth—nobody can love truth. And yet I can't live without trying to be true to what I really am. Sure I lie, but only when it's important, and later, when I think the time is right, I always admit I told a lie. And that screws it up.
 
I admit a lot of things about myself. That if a man I like walks up to me and chats me up and has good conversation and is cute looking, I really wouldn't mind hanging out with him and clubbing with him and all that. There's nothing to it as far as I'm concerned. I could even kiss him even though I was in love with somebody else. Why is that so horrible? Men do that all the time. It's OK for them. But the man I loved the most in the whole world thought less of me when I told him that. He couldn't understand that it wasn't important. That I just wanted to have a good time. Every man does the same thing.

I never deceived a man about important things. About material things maybe I mean. I never pulled the cheap tricks some of my best friends pull on their men. I never intended to accuse a guy of being responsible when I got pregnant just to make him help me. He always told me a Chris Rock joke where the comedian said guys lie about small everyday stuff like how much they had or where they were per time. Babes he said however, lied about the really important things like the paternity of a child.I never tricked men like that. I never told a man I loved him when I didn't, not at the beginning anyway. Sometimes after, when I stopped loving him and he still loved me and I couldn't bear to hurt him, I'd say it. But I couldn't be that loving afterward and they'd catch on and things would cool off and we wouldn't see each other again. And I never really hated a man once I loved him no matter how hateful he was to me afterward. Men are so spiteful to women they no longer love, most men anyway, or to me anyway. Maybe because they still love me and I never love them afterward or love them a little, which doesn't mean anything. There's a big difference between loving somebody a little and loving somebody a lot.In my time though, I've come to realize that lovers are so cruel, more loving, more cruel. And no, not the Casanovas, Don Juans, the "cunt men" as men always call them. Not those creeps. I mean the men who truly love you. Oh, they really love you and they say they do and I know it's true. And I know how they will hurt me worse than any other man in the world. I want to say, "Don't say you love me." I want to say, "I don't love you."   
**smh** Oh, God, let me live in dreams; when I die, send me to a paradise of lies, undiscoverable and self-forgiven, and a lover will love me forever or not at all. Give me deceivers so sweet they will never cause me pain with true love, and let me deceive them with all my soul. Let us be deceivers never discovered, always forgiven. So that we can believe in each other. Let us be separated by wars and pestilence, death, madness but not by the passing of time. Deliver me from goodness, let me not regress into innocence. Let me be free.

I have to fight against regressing into innocence. When a man loves me, I want to be faithful to him and never even look at anybody else for the rest of my life. I want to do everything for him, but I know now that it never lasts with him or me. They start putting you down, they start making you love them less. In a million different ways and so often time, I decide not to put my mind to it and love them back.
  
There was this one time when he was said himself and a colleague had to scout out corporate gifts for some clients and that I met him at Park n Shop and he asked me to meet him there in about 30 minutes. I was there in 35 minutes and saw him for the first time in several months. Two things stood out for me that day. First was that he had so much power on me no matter how hard I tried to resist. The thing was that at the time his call came in, I hadn't even had my bath. But once that came in from out of the blue, there was no way I was going to fail him. It didn't matter that all he needed was my company. I'd have done the same thing if he wanted my car and most especially my heart. I didn't know if I loved him or hated myself for this though. I really didn't care. I still don't. Secondly, I made him feel like we were the only two people in the entire mall. We held hands, made jokes and we even kissed. We just really didn't care. We were together. That was all that mattered.
 
And arogzz, he always said that he felt safe. And I knew what he meant. When we were alone together, I could see the strain go out of his face. His eyes became softer. And when we were lying down together warm and soft skin touching, and I put my arms around him and truly loved him, I could hear him sigh like a cat purring. And I knew that for that short time he was truly happy. And that I could do that was truly magical. And that I was the only human being in the world who could make him feel like that made me feel so worthwhile. That I really meant something. I wasn't just another random babe he "pointed and killed." I wasn't just somebody to talk to and be intelligent with. I was truly a witch, a love witch, a good witch, and it was terrific. At that moment we both could die happy, literally, truly die happy. We could face death and not be afraid. But only for that short time. Nothing lasts. Nothing ever will. And so we deliberately shorten it, make the end come faster. And finally the day he said he didn't feel safe again, I stopped loving him!