Who Am I?

It’s been a difficult few days. Money's been going fast, alliances shaken and pleasures have been gradually eroded. School life is back in full force and as most of my outlets have become unavailable or temporarily out of service, I'm becoming boxed in more and more.

School work has restarted at a pace that's retarded. There's so much we're being referred to read up on, notes and books to buy and dues to pay up. And while I'm trying to stay on my feet, Its really difficult not to revel in the success of last semester. But all these are ok… I'll be ok. School work, NESA senate, project work, soccer and clothiers, I can handle all of that.

What’s been forming as a thought lately however is how I'm feeling skeptical about the folks I hang out with these days. Yeah, I have a strong personality and all that but mehn, this is some insane random ish. Eminem's "I'm going through changes" has been my theme song for the past few days. My major qualms is that right now, I can't seem to find an answer to this question, "Who am I?" everytime I seem to ask myself.

 You see, I don't watch Vampire Diaries or 90210 or Gossip Girl or any of those series. I consider them as being random. You know why? They don't have strong enough characters. The first major series I was interested in was House. House is a miserable person with a limp. He patronizes hookers and brow beats patients and their vulnerable relatives just to go along with his theories (which are based majorly on hunches btw) but he's a damn intelligent doctor! The best I've ever seen in reality or fiction. I swear, his brilliance for me was enough to allow all his faults.

Then I got to like Burn Notice. Michael Western is certainly no Jack Bauer but he's a lot realer. He does things a decent guy can do.. He doesn't fly planes and talk to the president and save the whole country from destruction. He does his good deeds on a small scale.

Finally, I got to know about Denny Crane of Boston Legal. Larger than life, in support of guns and caring little about what anybody thought, Denny Crane constituted himself  a nuisance - and became my personal hero. Why? He was a good goddam lawyer. The best. Alongside his side kick Alan Shore, they were damn unbeatable.

 I've tried to copy several things from several characters so well depicted in different books and series and movies. Once I built a mafia-type family in High School, later, I formed House's Limp. Then again, I walked around like I owned the place just the way Michael Ballack does on the soccer field. At another time I took decisions and held opinions picked from Merlyn & Osano in Fools Die. Right now though, there's nothing for me to be. There's no one for me to want to be. Sadly so.

These past few days, all the talk around me is about vanity. But yeah, I'm cool with it, I can handle myself. Amin, its all about being a well rounded guy yeah? No stress. I'm up for it. 

But what the hell is up with all my relationships? I really don't understand. I was really gon' wait it out and let things even 'em selfves out but its not been happening… Dunno if its time to step in and make things happen.

Most importantly though, I think I need a short role model. I'm short. Kanye West, M.I etc, they ain't strong enough characters for me. Michael Corleone was the strongest I ever saw…but after I strongly considered if I would ever kill for money and power, I decided I couldn't…and so Michael Corleone isn't it. So ya, I'm on the look out. I need a short role model!